You finally think you’ve met the person of your dreams…the ‘one’ you had been praying for, perhaps for years. You already had made your requests known, and one day, when least expected, they just show up!
Everything about that person confirms that it aligns, everything! It matches above and beyond what you had submitted on your prayer list, in the specifics of a life-partner and everything just seems easy. They are heading the same direction, hold the same values, similar vision.
You are grateful for His provision as you journey through your new relationship, resolving in your mind that you are committed for the long-haul, completely invested, until one day, unexpectedly, they drop a bombshell, they no longer want the relationship!
They may or may not have given details of their decision. Perhaps they did, but it makes no sense, actions vs words contradicting.
A million things go through your mind…you begin questioning, are they rejecting me because of me? Did I say or do something to deter them? Is there someone else they have met that superseded our relationship? If they knew my circumstance and situation prior to meeting me, why pursue me knowing that in their heart, it can and would never work out? Why didn’t they think things through before playing with my heart and emotions?
You begin to get angry and ask yourself, why would someone intentionally play with my heart? How can someone be so inconsiderate? Why would someone go completely out of their way to pursue relationship without having the boldness or character to compete what they started?
You don’t want them to see your emotions, the tears, for fear of being vulnerable, so you put on a brave face and be strong, making out to them, it’s no problem. You try to comfort yourself internally, by thinking thoughts such as, I don’t care, I don’t want to be with them anyway, it was never going to work out, while your heart beats fast, and you’re overwhelmed with pain, thoughts flooding you as they continue to speak before walking away.
The next few days, you ask yourself, but every sign pointed to things working out, are they running from something? Fear of what people will say, fear of things not working out, fear that God is unable to provide and order favoured steps to make the impossible possible. Are they running from past experiences and hurt? Fear of commitment?
So, what do you do? You feel overwhelmed with emotion, sick in your gut, perhaps stomach cramps at the thought of losing the very person you thought would be your life partner. You begin to question God, “if I was open to Your intervention and You went before me, why did you allow this person to come into my life in the first place”?
Overwhelmed with disappointment, you go to bed at night and uncontrollable tears flow, you wake up in the morning, having to face reality again that it is over, and tears begin to flow. You want what’s best for them, you do, but deep down you also want them to understand the hurt you are experiencing.
Perhaps you’ve seen glimpses of this person’s potential, knowing and understanding the call on their life, you want what is best for them, what makes them happy, but at the same time grieving the loss and feeling a mix of anger, fear, pain and betrayal!
You ask yourself over and over, what is life going to be without them? How do I move forward from this? Will the pain ever go away? It is normal that you are hoping and desiring for everything to be reversed and reconciliation to take place. You may be going through a period of denial, thinking it will pass over, almost like you are in a dream that you will wake up from.
We don’t always have all the answers and it just may be that God has you in a season, where He has allowed things in your life that took priority before Him to be removed, so that, once again, You can cling to Him and let Him be in control vs you trying to take control, wanting your surrender.
It may be that God does want the relationship for you both, however, wants to be the One to take you places vs you trying to work things out in your limited human mind. So, what do you do? How do you move forward? The reality is, it does hurt and will so, for some time.
It is important at this time to recognise automatic thoughts that have emerged during the break-up. For example, I’m not good enough? Marriage mustn’t be for me, no-one will ever want to be with me, I will never open myself to another relationship. Often, we have a deep underlying core belief about ourselves. Are you able to identify anything negative, that you automatically thought about yourself, in relation to the break-up?
What are your painful feelings? It is important to acknowledge these, it could be rejection, anger toward the person who broke it off, disappointment, betrayal, isolation….what else? It is helpful to write them down. All of these feelings are important to recognise and acknowledge.
What actions have you taken so far? Have your actions been appropriate or reactive? Perhaps you feel compelled to accept another relationship out of spite? Maybe you have been reactive and sent them a not-so-nice message; you may have said things that you wish you could now take back.
As you try and push through this painful season in your life, it is important to identify any irrational thinking. It helps to write these down.
For example, some of the lies (irrational thinking) may include: everyone wants to be with me – I can’t understand how I was rejected, or, I am incapable of being in a relationship, or, you may have thoughts of, no-one ever wants to be with me or, God will never meet the very things my heart desires.
God says in His Word in 2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
How do we do that? We have to recognise the untruth of our thoughts, or perhaps, on the flip-side, the facts. For example, not everyone is going to like me, regardless what I do. Or, demolish the lie of no-one ever wants to be with me.
So, what is the reality? What are my core beliefs? These can be promises that God has made to you, which you know and believe are true.
For example: 2 Timothy 1:7, For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind or Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
What other core beliefs, truths come to mind now? How can you demolish (remove) the lies and replace these with the truth? How can you put off the old and put on the new?
This can be done through prayer, letting it go, choosing to forgive, maybe you are led to uplift that person in prayer, a practical way to help you forgive.
It is important throughout all of this, to acknowledge and ensure your behaviour and acceptable thoughts are aligned to your values. For example, to forgive, as He has forgiven us, to accept that every man and woman has free-will to make their own choices.
How do you move forward? It is always a process. It can be helpful to ask yourself these questions:
- What are you good at?
- What is your state of readiness for change in this area at this time?
- What are you prepared to give up to feel better?
Relationship break-down is never easy. A broken heart is real and painful. The good news is, it’s not the end. God says He has a great future planned for you! Walk in confidence knowing He has a great plan mapped out for you. Remember, you too should only want God’s best, including someone that will make sacrifices, travel half way around the globe if needed, giving you their all to be with you!
Psalm 147:3 He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.
If you are struggling with feelings of anger, rejection and resentment, it is really important to be released into freedom from these feelings through forgiveness.